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Chinese Space
Invaders
The place was one of those oriental affairs, almost chinese, but
not quite. They sat down at a table, and a waiter, dressed up in
bottled sun tan and heavy eyeliner, and sporting the most unconvincing
oriental accent, came up to them.
"Can I be of service?"
"Yes. Learn to speak properly."
"Ah... Soh solly. Would you like to order food, sir, madame?"
He looked none too happy.
"No thanks. We`re here to see the manager. In the meantime,
would you bring us ten pairs of your very best chopsticks."
She looked at him quizzically, but he didn`t say a word.
The chopsticks arrived.
He unwrapped a pair, took one stick in both hands, and snapped it
in two. It split into several pieces, spraying splinters across
the table.
"Hah! Cheap rubbish!"
She frowned at him, but he still didn`t explain himself, merely
snapping another chopstick. She ducked, narrowly being missed by
a large splinter.
"Utter rubbish!" he cursed.
The next one snapped cleanly in two, making a loud `crack`.
"Ah! Now that`s how I like them. Sweet."
She could take it no longer.
"What the hell do you think you`re doing dear?" she asked
sternly.
"I prefer human foetus` spines to be honest, but they`re getting
rather difficult to obtain these days. These are the next best thing."
They sat waiting, and watched
as a plate of food came down in the dumb waiter. A dumb waitress
took it, and in an extremely annoying nasal tone, called out, "Who`s
this for?"
They continued to watch, as steaming bowl of soup came down.
"Who`s this for?"
A spicey rice dish.
"Who`s this for?"
A bowl of noodles with obscure, almost meat, chunks.
"Who`s this for?"
A huge rottweiler, snarling as it leapt for her throat.
"*Gurgle*....Who`s this *gurgle*.. for?"
He sat and stared at the ceiling, apparently examining the `apparently`
wooden beams.
"What are you looking at?"
"Just wait." he said.
They watched. The waitress approached from across the room, licking
her wounds. Suddenly there was a huge crash, and the ceiling collapsed
as a gold-filled safe, dropped by a passing alien space ship to
reduce weight while trying to escape Earth`s gravitational pull,
landed on the floor right in front of them.
"Right on time. That old `drop the gold-filled safe` trick
never fails."
"Ha ha ha! We`re rich!" she laughed.
"Don`t be silly. Being rich is no good. It`s the getting rich
that`s the fun part."
She looked at the safe, then looked closer. Something seemed to
be moving underneath.
"Mmmmmphh. Who`s thissssss forr r r?"
Shortly, the manager, doing
a very poor Dr Fu Man Chu impersonation, approached them. "Ah
so. You are the artist, yes?"
"He is" she said.
"Good. I want you to paint me something really great."
"I can do that. What did you have in mind?"
"`Dr Fu Yung`s Take Away`"
"Beg pardon?"
"`Dr Fu Yung`s Take Away`"
"Excuse me, but I`m an artist."
"Yes. You paint sign?"
"Shit! Lets go."
"You not paint sign?"
"I AM AN ARTIST!!! And learn to speak bloody English, for Christ`s
sake!"
"I say old chap, there`s no call for language of that kind
in here. This is a respectable establishment I`ll have you know."
"AAAAARGH!!!!!"
They left.
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